Want to take a guess at what they might be?
"No" is the obvious front runner. It comes in many different forms. No, no-no, uh-uh, aach, hey! etc.
Usually, I say "no" for good reasons - no, you can't have more Starburst, you've already had twenty. No, you can't stay up any later, it's already 11:30pm. No, you may not call your sister a doodie-head. (Rhetorical, of course.)
Sometimes I say "no" for selfish reasons - not that I'm proud of it, but I do. No, I don't want to read you a book, I'm reading my own book. No, I don't want to take you for a bike ride, it's too hot/cold/wet/hairy. No, you can't have a snack, because I don't want to get up and fix it for you. Fix it for yourself.
You get the idea.
Ok, so if "no" is one of my three most common words, it's a pretty sure thing that "yes" is another one. This one I like. Yes, you can have a doughnut. Yes, let's go to the park! Yes, I'm making pizza for dinner. Yes, I love you. I will always love you! Yes is a fun word.
Yesterday I caught myself in what is sure to be my third most frequently used word as a mom. And when I realized my habit, I wasn't happy about it. Maybe it's not even a word, but I say it to my kids all the time. It goes like this:
Leah: "Mom, why is __________?"
Me: (distracted) "Hmm?"
Leah: "What do you think _________?"
Me. (still distracted) "Hmm."
Susie: "I tink __________, MOM."
Me: "Hmm."
Leah: "No, Susie! It's _______!!"
Susie: "Nuh uh! I'm not your friend anymore! Waahh!"
Leah: "Pppbbbtttthhhhhh!!!!!"
Susie: "AAAAAhhhhh!!!!! Waaaahhhh!!! PPPBBBBTTTTHHHHH!"
Leah: "I'm not your friend EITHER! HARUMPH!"
Susie: "Waaaahhhhhh!"
Me: (coming in to focus) "Hey! What's going on here?!"
Does that happen in any one else's family, or just mine?
I don't suppose "hmm" is inherently a bad word, or one that will always lead to a fight between my children, but when I use "hmm" it's generally because I'm mentally distracted and not paying a lick of attention to my kids. It's not like they're asking me questions I can't answer, or being naughty in their behavior when asking me things... it's that I'm simply not paying attention to them and what they need from me.
Answers. Help figuring something out. Advice.
When I'm using "hmm" because I'm lazy or I'm checked out, it might not be a bad word, but it's bad parenting. Not all of the needs our children have are tangible like food, clothing, shelter, and clean pants.
I'm not saying my attention needs to be on my kids at all moments of every day, either. (Can you say smothering?) I'm just noticing something about myself I want to change. I want to be mentally available for my kids... if they need me, and when they need me. If I'm not listening to them when they ask me questions, someday they may get tired of not getting a response beyond "hmm." And that might lead them to ask someone else who WILL give them an answer beyond hmm, and not the answer that I want them to have, either.
I decided yesterday to try and be mentally available the whole day long. To not respond with a distracted "hmm." I was surprise at how easy it was, and how it led to some really cool conversations with my kids! It went like this:
Leah: "Mom, why don't we have our house more decorated for Halloween?"
Susie: "Yeah! I saw a house with a witch and a skeleton and bats!"
Me: "Well, some things about Halloween are fun, but some things are evil. We don't want to glorify evil by decorating our house with evil things."
Leah: "What things are evil?"
Susie: "What is evil mean?"
Me: "Evil means something is not good... it's bad. Something that is evil is not ok with God. Everything God made is good, but people sometimes take good things and use them for evil."
Leah: "Are bats evil?"
Me: "No, not really. God made bats, and bats are good. Bats eat a lot of bugs for us so that there are not too many bugs in our world. If we didn't have bats we'd have too many mosquitoes!"
Susie: "I don't like mosquitoes!"
Me: laughing - "Me either!"
Leah: "Did God make mosquitoes?"
Me: "Yep."
Susie: "WHY?"
Me: "To be food for birds. And bats."
Leah: "Really?! That's cool! I love birds!"
And so it goes.
"Intentional Spiritual Parenting" is a bit of a buzz word among Christian parents as of late. The basic premise is that scripture indicates parents should play the primary role in their child's spiritual development - as opposed to a church or religious institution. Most believing parents WANT to teach their own children spiritual things, but many of us are stuck in what that looks like and how to do it... and fear that we won't 'get it right.'
Friends, it's really easy. It basically boils down to this - being there mentally, with God-thought, for your kids. I tried for one day to live in the present with my kids and pay attention to what they were saying and doing all day long, as much as possible. Most of the day was not spent in deep theological discussion. But a simple question posed by my daughter as we were driving down the street easily became a "teachable moment." Does Leah know she just got taught? Not at all. She doesn't realize there was anything intentional happening. She probably doesn't even know what 'intentional' means. She just likes that she asked a question and we had a conversation about it. It made her feel important and involved. And she likes that God made birds and bats and mosquitos, and they all have a purpose for being made. To her, Halloween is a holiday for good things God made like bats and pumpkins and corn. We don't have to deal with the rest of it right now.
She will probably think about this for some time, 'cause that's what kids do. Then one day "out of the blue" she will ask me something like "Hey Mom. If God made mosquitoes to be food for bats and birds, what was I made for? Am I food?" And taa-daa! Another teachable moment. One of the big ones, too! :-D
So if you think that listening to your kids and answering all their questions is tedious, don't discount the little things! Our kids are learning thing by thing, and the things they're learning each build upon another. Our job, as believing parents, is NOT to force-feed our kids what WE believe in. It's to provide God-answers and God-insight for their natural God-given curiosity - steering them in the direction of truth and letting them make conclusions on their own as they grow. This fosters faith.
Listen. Answer. Advise.
Laugh... lighten up... live.
When in doubt, say "I don't know, but we can find out."
Be curious. Everything that God made is good.
(Except, perhaps, the word "hmm.")
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