I keep a running log in my journal of things God has done for me - for us. It's my prayer journal, so I use it to voice my heart to God... I don't write in it every day, maybe a few times a month or so, and I rarely, if ever, go back and read what I've written. It's just my heart to God.
But the list of things in my prayer journal that God has done for me serves a few purposes -
1. I want to give God the glory for the crazy good things He's done.
2. I don't want to forget the crazy good things He's done.
Today my heart felt heavy as we are facing some hard challenges in life. Leah's school is roughly a half a million dollars short for their budget this year. Our bank account is really, really low. The school wants parents to contribute additional money so we can get the school out of the major red it is in... before December 31. I love Leah's school, but we don't even have enough money to meet our own budget, let alone help them meet theirs. I want to help, but I don't know how I can. We all need a major miracle.
Oftentimes when I'm up against a hard place, I choose instead of worrying (or in combat of worry) to praise God for who He is. It helps me to remember He is bigger than a big budget deficit. He is bigger than a small bank account. He is Bigger than big. Meditating on His Good - God - Big-ness reminded me to go back to my list and add a few things to it that God had done for us recently. I was surprised to see that the last time I had added anything to the list was January 31 of this year. Color me amazed as I thought back over the course of this year - from today back to the end of January - and remembered the flat out miracles God has worked in our lives juxtaposed with where we were last January. Flat out miracles! Here are a few of them:
1. January 2011 - I was sick with my 5th round of strep and diagnosed with chronic inflammation and adrenal failure. I was seeing 2 specialists in addition to my normal doc.
November 2011 - My health is back to normal. My immune system is functioning well. I am no longer taking medications for anxiety and depression. I have had 1 cold since January, nothing else. I feel better than I have felt since I was 20!
2. January 2011 - I saw my daughters for maybe two hours a day during the work week. I spent more time commuting than I spent mothering. Both girls had developmental "issues" along the lines of eating, sleeping and bathroom habits.
November 2011 - God has answered my prayers and worked multiple miracles so I could come home and be with my daughters all the time, save when they are in school. I am their primary care-giver now. We even got a whole summer to play together! We made incredible memories. I will never forget the first summer I spent with my girls. It was a summer of healing for all of us... development issues - gone. :-)
3. January 2011 - I was in a miserable job, burdened by huge amounts of stress and constant oppression. Crying out to God for deliverance... So I could be with my family more. So I could not be so sick with stress and heartache. So I would have something left to give.
November 2011 - God graciously and mercifully answered my cries and opened the door for me to work at church. My job is to show kids and families the love of Christ. To say I love my job would be a serious understatement. God is indescribably good.
I could go on and on. From the huge things, like emotional and developmental healing, to the not so huge things, like my husband getting opening week of deer season off unexpectedly - God has indeed been faithful to us.
We don't deserve this. I have not earned anything good in life. I am not entitled to anything worthy. It strikes me that not only am I not "owed" the pleasure of being a parent, I am certainly not "owed" the pleasure of being the parent of such beautiful and extraordinary children. This is all a gift. ALL OF IT.
What do you do when someone gives you a gift? You say thank you.
God...
... just
... thank you.
You are too big. You are too much. What you have done for us...
... I am undone.
Thank you.
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