Letting Idols Go

I never knew being a parent was going to involve so many hard choices. 

It wasn't hard to decide to HAVE a baby. We both wanted kids. It wasn't hard to decide on names for our babies. We had names picked out before they were conceived.

But it's hard now. Or, at least, it has been. 

As I sit here thinking, I'm reminded that many, many, many parents don't have choices when it comes to their kids. Or don't care, even if they do. The mother in the African bush doesn't worry about which school to send her child to. She probably worries more about getting food and water, or about not getting killed until her child is old enough to survive on its own. The mother in America who didn't want the kid she's now got probably doesn't worry about her kids' education like I have worried about mine. This might be the child that grows up wishing his mom had loved him enough to worry more.

I don't know. 

So when I spend so much mental energy on trying to figure out what we're supposed to do for school - what would be best for Leah and Susie, what we can afford, what is going to give them the best possible chance at being super successful in life, what is my dream for them - I'm really wasting a lot. When Jesus was here, he said, and I paraphrase "Why do you worry? What does it add to your life? Nothing."

Oh, he's so right. 

For years, I planned to send my kids to private school. I planned to work full time at a really rewarding career which would afford us more than enough for a nice house, private education, all kinds of recreational activities, and new clothes from Gymboree for every season. My daughters would grow up UPPER middle class. 

I planned. 

There in nothing wrong with work, or a rewarding career, or a nice house, or private education, or (legal, haha) recreational activities, or new clothes from Gymboree. But there is something wrong with it when it all becomes your goal in life, your bar for measuring success, as it had in mine. 

So when I really fell in love with Jesus, when I began to desire to follow him exclusively, he began to lovingly challenge my plans. He had a different bar for measuring my success. 

We've had to make decisions about our kids and school this spring, and for me, it's been really hard. Why? Not because we don't have good options - we have great options. It's been hard because I've had to let go of my own plan and surrender to God's plan. I've had to let go of my idols and trust God to be God. 

My own plan would have been to go back to work full-time to pay for private school. 

God's plan is for me to work part-time so I can continue to be involved with and available to my kids, and their peers, while they are in public school. 

I really, really struggled with this. Still am struggling some, to be honest. I wanted my kids to hear about God at school. I wanted them to be able to pray over lunch at school. I wanted them to learn songs about Jesus at school. I wanted them to have Christmas break, not Winter break. 

I wanted. 

Surrendering to God means letting go of what I wanted, even if it was good, and trusting him for what he wants, which will be better - always - than my plan. 

Will my kids' education suffer in public school? No. Will they not become believers because of public school? No. Will they not develop a Christian world-view because of public school? No. Do I need to be afraid to send them to public school? No. 

Will God take care of them no matter where they are? Yes. Will God be God no matter where they are? Yes. 

It's painful having your dreams challenged. It's painful to let something go you thought you really wanted. But in my case, it's really healthy to do this. The idol of private education was kind of big in my heart. It's time to let it go. 

And I'm getting pretty excited about the next season of life. I think it's going to be much, much better than "I planned."