Rescue Me

This is one of those times when I should be doing a whole raft of other things besides writing... like, for instance, cleaning my house. Or doing laundry. Or organizing. Or weeding. Or cooking. Or putting away the Christmas decorations that are still out on my mantle that my kids won't let me put away when they're here, but since they are at Grammy's house right now, they won't object and probably won't notice are missing when they come home. (True story.)

And yet, I choose to sit and write.

Earlier this morning I wrote out a few checks to pay our mortgage payments - one for the house we live in, and one for the house we used to live in that we now rent. Every month, it's a lot of money. And as I wrote out those checks I thought about how many months it's been that God has so faithfully sustained us.

Sustained. It's a word I never used to think about. Never used. It's not really a part of our common language, is it? I've never posted a status update or tweeted about being sustained. Who talks like that, anyway?

Here is what it means:
1. To keep in existence; maintain
2. To supply with necessities or nourishment; provide for
3. To support from below; keep from falling or sinking
4. To support the spirits; encourage

It's been a little over a year since I left my full-time, high paying job to take a part-time, lesser paying job. It's been a little over a year since I did what most people thought was risky or unwise or ridiculous, so that I could be available to my family in the ways I needed to be. When we made this change, it penciled out on paper o.k., but it made tremendous sense off paper because I was drowning in a career I didn't want in an environment that was increasingly abusive, while missing out on a career I did want with kids who were growing up without their mom. There wasn't really any question about the necessity of this life change - we had to do it whether it penciled out o.k. or not. And so we did.

For about four months we didn't notice the change financially at all. We made all our obligations with ease. We had extra, even, that we weren't expecting. Life was good. Last summer was a time I went through a lot of healing, and for the first time in my adult life, I really didn't have a care in the world.

But that's not how life generally operates, is it? This world is full of cares. In hindsight, I understand now that God gave me a beautiful reprieve because I needed it, but it was a furlough, not a change in assignment.

Sometime last fall the beautiful reprieve came to a bit of a screeching halt. Through circumstances we could not control, we found ourselves out of money. It's amazing how much security we place on money. Even when we don't think we do... wait until you have none, and then you'll see. Money - or, the ability to make a lot of it and be self-sufficient - these were huge idols for me. And for the first time I found myself in a place where I didn't have enough and I didn't have the means to earn more.

Right away I began applying for additional jobs. My husband told me he didn't want me to work more, but I wanted to work more... or, I wanted to be the rescuer of my family's financial situation. Never in my life have I had a problem finding jobs and keeping them. I've never interviewed for a job that I wasn't offered post interview. I though it would be a piece of cake to go out, find work, work, earn more, get back on solid footing, save the day.

That's what I do best, you know. Save the day.

BUT, Someone Else was in charge, and Someone Else wanted to do the saving. Someone Else wanted to be in charge of our livelihood. Someone Else saves the day far better and far more often than I ever have or ever could.

Of all the resumes I sent out and all the interviews I did, none of the jobs I was offered were remotely feasible. They either had crazy strange hours that conflicted with the only hours during the week I could not work, or they paid ridiculously low and would have cost me money to take. It was all a no-go.

Finally, I surrendered. God, you're in control. I am not. I can't rescue us. Will you rescue us? Rescue me?

We asked for help. I hate asking for help. But we were helped, generously so, and as the weeks turned in to months, never once did we run out. Never once were we late on a bill. Never once did we have to float anything. We didn't have to pull Susie out of school because we couldn't afford her tuition payments. We didn't have to eat rice and beans three meals a day because we could afford to buy our regular groceries, even things like Oreos. We were sustained.

There were things we did do - like only eat at home, and pay off the car with our tax return, and plan carefully each month, and stick to the carefully laid-out plan. And there were a lot of times we waited on things I'd never had to wait on before - like, new clothes and shoes, gas in the second car, or desperately needed new tires. But we never once went without anything we needed for our basic livelihood. Every time something came up - if it was a need, God would provide. If it was a want, well, it would become pretty obvious pretty quickly that it wasn't a necessity. And this whole time of not having the ability to do this on my own broke down those idols of self-sufficiency in me and brought me right up into the bosom of my Father God who has everything I will ever need and wants more than anything to take good care of me.

So as I sat down to pay those mortgage payments this morning, knowing there is enough money in the bank to cover them and our basic needs as well, I thanked God for sustaining us. It's been almost 9 months of trusting Him for our daily bread. He has fed us every single day. Clothed us. Kept us warm in the winter and cool in the summer. We have a roof. We have beds. We have running water. We have books and movies and toys and the internet and things to do. We have pets, we have friends, we have a family who loves us and whom we love. We are rich in the things that truly matter. We are alive. We have a Sustainer who has kept us from sinking or falling, supporting us from below, encouraging us from above, cheering us on as we press closer and closer to Him. He is so real. And He never changes.

I am aware of many people who struggle so, who worry, who are in need - real, big needs. I know what it is like. It is hard. The desperation is brutal and there are many days where you just want to give up. I know.

But I know there is Someone who wants to be your Savior, your Sustainer, and not just for things like eternal life - though that is huge - but for right here and now in this life, too. Things that matter to us matter to Him.

When nothing else you're doing is working, that's a dead giveaway. That is God saying this:

Let me work for you. Come here and rest while I do the work. I want to sustain you. I want to lift you up. Let me. Let me.